stroke of insight

Jill Bolte Taylor's stroke of insight | Video on TED.com
I like this very much. I've watched it lots of times.

2003

Sam and Jordan, two amazing people.

Back to LA

I don't like that I paid $7.99 to get online at the airport. Especially since I can go online on my phone. It makes me feel like a chump. One day, there will be an uprising. Free the Internet.

Dear magazines of the world. More cats on the front cover please. I still probably won't buy your magazine, but I'll definitely take a picture of it. Cats do not photograph well. Has anyone ever made this observation? Nope, I'm first.

The Delta terminal at JFK is home to lots of sparrows. If I was a bird, I'd like to live here.

On the plane. There is a screaming child behind me and a smug 9-year-old next to me with a gigantic leather purse and an iPad. She's playing Veggie Samurai and it's like she's not even trying. Silent misdirected rage!

We're going back to the gate so a sick passenger can 'De-plane". So far 4 people have gotten on the PA and said the word "deplane". Everybody needs to stop saying deplane. Just say "get off the plane". Holy shit. The next person who gets on the PA and says deplane gets an eye roll.

Someone bring me a soda and a tall stack of cat magazines.

After a couple drinks, Sue and I busted out the VMK wigs

Growing up, people used to ask if we were fraternal twins. This happened a lot. Once in a shoe store, once in a pewter shop. I don't know why I was ever annoyed by it. We're only 14 months apart.

Thanksgiving was very great. We decided that our turkey was named Jorge (pronounced George).

Jorge was an organic, free-range, grass fed turkey from a happy turkey farm in Virginia. My dad said "Jorge had only one bad day in his life." My dad says this about our organic free-range grass fed turkey every year and I enjoy it.

Things my dad called fascist today:
-The Nintendo Wii
-The pins that remain standing in Wii bowling
-The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade (he has a point there.)

My friend Michael's status update.

"Considering where we've come from, the challenges we've faced, and the relatively brief amount of time we've been at it, I'd say we're all doing a fairly splendid job at this point."

Thanks Michael.

alphabet humor

Did you ever notice how P is the bridge between O and Q? This is true of other letters, none of which come to mind.

Dear letter Q. I'm sorry you're so different. At least you'll never be alone.

Can we all at least agree that I do a pretty okay pigeon sound effect? From now on, my pigeon sound effect will be written as "Flt, flt, flt."

There's nothing special about Special K, except for those rare flakes that happen to be shaped like the letter K. I keep those flakes in a separate bot. I call that box "Special K Flakes".

4 jokes

These are the greatest jokes that have ever been written.

1. And why are all the zombies in suits? Presumably you just become a zombie wearing whatever you die in. Did all these people really die in their Sunday best? You're asking me to suspend my disbelief too much, AMC.

2. They figured out why bees are dying. They're killing themselves. The bees are learning that they're never gonna be A's, and it's driving them to suicide because that pun is so bad.

3. Spending an hour on Facebook makes me feel like I just spent an hour riding a carousel by myself.

4. The world is running out of exclamation points. The generation born after 1982 is using them all up. This is a big problem, people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will get better at writing great jokes.

Damn, "How To Train Your Dragon", you straight up made me cry. Holy shit. I wasn't even expecting to like you, and now this?

Anyway, I'm writing a song. It starts...

I've got chills. They're multiplying.
I've got pills. They're multivitamins.

BOOM!

Is there no end to my brilliance?

(There are no other lyrics to this song so yes, my brilliance ends.)

Facebook

A lot of strangers write on my wall these days. Today I was tempted to write "Who dis" under every single post from a person I didn't know, but I couldn't decide if that was rude or funny or both so I just said fuck it and I went out and did a bunch of things.

I watched "Lolita" for the first time last night. I was not expecting it to be as funny as it was. I laughed out loud when they were at that hotel, and Humbert and the Bell Hop guy tried to set up the extra bed without waking Lolita. They can't get the cot to stay open, it keeps snapping shut, Venus fly trap-style, resulting in a lot of slapsticky things. And it goes on for such a long time! My god! Two grown men doing summersaults on a cot in a dark hotel room. In silence. For like 3 or 4 minutes. Then when Humbert finally gets it flat by laying on it, the legs collapse.

So satisfying.

Thanks Lumi

Somebody interviewed me about Very Mary-Kate. It starts out, "Lumi found out that the verymarykate girl’s real name is: Elaine Carroll! Lumi also found out that she’s famous AND a for-real actress and loves space." Am I famous? No. Am I a for-real actress? I don't know what that is.

I do love space. I know that much for sure.

Election Day. C'mon prop 19.

There is nothing better than a long list of band names from the internet.

Jujube Shareholder
Depredation
The Macao
Slaw Haggadist
The Dy
Unbreathable Yukaghir
Air Shed
Therapeutic Abortion Transfinite
Camp Fire Boy Center Back
The Ryked
Kef Misbelieve
Pigsticks
Marbleizes
Tapsters Open-Heart Surgery
Ceorl Illegitimate
The Lee
Doping Madagascar
Bin Golden Eagle
Disappointments Execrations
Waler
The Delimitation
Mickle
Faciends
Hypolimnion Vela
The Disassociating
The Reerecting
Sitter Baleen Whale
Portray Runnel
Habergeons Serpentines
Deafen
Scones Renovate
The Bromides
The Hyacinth
The Shoemaker
Winches Richard Ii
The Chimera

Found here.

Yeah this tab will stay open for a while.

This is an email I got today. My purpose in life is to make alienated gay kids laugh.

oh my goodness....

can i just please say
THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!
your videos are hysterical!

me and my bestfriends first stumbled upon
your videos during our senior year of high school
but then you dissappeared and we were heartbroken,
but still super obsessed with MARY KATE EUNUCH TROLL FACE OLSEN!
(i would write my name as JOSHUA EUNUCH TROLL FACE OLSEN)
and i turned it in on a physics test like that and i got a bonus point for having the best name!
and we made matching t-shirts... ill try to email the photo.

and as soon as i saw your videos were back,
i called my best friends (we are all at different universities now)
thank you for giving us a reason to laugh.
i dont think youre capable of understanding how much your videos mean to me
(in a non-creepy way)
i had a lot of family shenanigans going on,
(my parents kicked me out because i told them i was gay)
but despite the hardship, i knew your videos could always make me laugh.

i truly appreciate all the hard work you put into them.
stay fabulous.

October 2009

This time, last year. Took a bunch of these. Sam's camera.

This past week I improvised with Larry David and went on a thousand auditions. Well, 4 but, it felt, well, I mean. I liked improvising a lot and it made me wish I did it more. If anyone wants to put me on a practice group, yes. Also I'm back on a Maude team. Also VMK is doing well. All of this is great and makes me feel happy and blessed. Gratitude.

The first time I came to California, I was in 2nd grade. Dad had a business trip to Palm Springs, which was rare since he's in the cookie business and mostly traveled to places like Iowa. He took the whole family. It was my second time traveling via airplane. I remember the family couldn't sit together for some reason. I remember being floored at how brave my sister was, volunteering to sit by herself. The first morning I woke up in California it was literally like Dorothy throwing open the door to Munchkin Land. After Palm Springs we went up to Lake Tahoe for some skiing. Sue and I kept calling it Lake Taco because that's hilarious.

I wish I could Skype with Mr. Hammers. Sometimes I want 5 kids and sometimes I want ZERO in all caps. No middle ground there.

My dad will just go ahead and call something fascist to get the ball rolling.

His statements don't necessarily reflect what he really believes. He just likes a good conversation.

Recent fascists:
-Hilter
-Moses
-Everybody

I will update this list as it grows.

The problem with always posting baby pictures is that sooner or later I'm gonna run out.

sooner.

This was taken at my cousin Kevin's house. I'm holding my Rainbow Bright doll. I loved Rainbow Bright.

I don't know, maybe 3 years old here?

So ridiculous

"My heart is a metal top spinning forevsies
in an empty jar of invisible jelly."

Writing!

Photo by Jason of JasonRodgersPhotos.com

Dear Hollywood,

Can I see that mirror real quick?

I can tell that we are gonna be friends.

My hair is orange in this picture because my mom tried dying it blond and it turned orange. It was like this for most of 4th grade. The red on my lips is probably from a popsicle.

This is one of my favorite childhood pictures, but that wasn't always the case. It was taken to commemorate my participation in St. Mary's talent show. I think I wore this in the dance number "Opposites Attract". I remember the woman who took this picture was annoyed and stressed out and seemed particularly agitated by the fact that I showed up looking sloppy and dirty, which is how I always looked. She was particularly disgusted by my dirty white moccasins and navy blue socks. She folded the black fabric over my feet to hide them. If I knew then what I know now, I would have told her to relax.

For many years, this picture was crumbled up in a ball in the bottom drawer of my desk. Now it's on the internet. Goodbye shame!

hehehe

Ashley: "One time I got locked in a grocery store for 4 days. It was terrible. I had to survive on groceries."

Writing!

I sleep under this piece of cardboard

Paint and sharpie. Cardboard provided by an anonymous neighbor. I originally misspelled both beautiful and brilliant, that's why the words look weird, but it's actually my favorite part because public displays of misspellings are just fantastic. This hangs behind my bed in Burbank. It's not finished, but when it is, I think I'm gonna give it to my friend Miklos.

Reasons My Sister is Better Than Me (Revised)

I got the story wrong. This is what happened.

"First of all, it was a mussel, a single mussel. In Edinburgh, it's actually fairly easy to find vegetarian food, like in the rest of the U.K. One night, dad got mussels in butter sauce for dinner. He starts raving about how great it tastes and keeps goading me to try one. Since dad had just taken an international trip to help me move to Edinburgh, I felt I should oblige him just this once. It tasted buttery. So one buttery mussel in autumn 2001 was the last time I knowingly ate meat.

A big part of the reason why I don't eat meat is that I don't want a sentient creature to feel pain and die just for me to have a meal. Some shellfish like scallops and mussels don't really have nervous systems like other creatures--their central nervous system isn't, well, centralized--no brain. So if science could prove that scallops or mussels don't feel pain, I would consider eating them."

Sorry for the confusion.

"New Nurse"

I play a nurse in a movie called "The Good Doctor". Not sure when it's coming out, but I think I had a total of 7 lines. This is me in my trailer. I liked all the cool nurse toys they gave me. I was trying to look serious, not sad.

From my friend (and roommate!) Andy about having (and not ignoring) my internet presence

... besides everyone is doing it:

-It's fun, cathartic, and creative.
-If no one ever wrote down their thoughts and ideas in a forum where others could read them then there would be no thoughts and ideas for anyone to read.
-If you don't share your thoughts then they simply go to your grave with you. And graves are no places for thoughts.

Maine

I'm on Little Cranberry Island in Maine. My cellphone isn't getting reception up here. I guess I could check to see if I have messages on the landline, but I'd much rather spend my time picking blackberries, riding in the back of pickup trucks, and wanting to forsake my worldly possessions and live here forever.

I got up to 4 things.

1. Picking blackberries and eating blackberries
2. Riding in the back of pick up trucks
3. Eating lobster
4. Memorizing the presidents. I know them all! Let's see if I retain any it in a week.

Presidential names that are funny: Grover Cleveland, Zachary Taylor, and William Howard Taft. Grover Cleveland is an improv name, and Zachary Taylor and William Howard Taft sound like child stars from Home Improvement.

My picture is in New York Magazine this week. It makes me feel both nervous and grateful, and that's a new combination for me. It's kinda how I felt the first time I tried bubble tea. On Thursday, I get on a plane for Los Angeles with no return flight. I'm a mixed bag of emoticons on that, too.

Maine, you smell nice.

"Mars ain't the kind of place to raise your kids" - Carl Sagan

The night I found out that Jupiter, Saturn, and Neptune didn't have solid surfaces, my head exploded. I had heard the term "gas giants" before, but I guess I needed Carl Sagan to spell it out for me. Jupiter, Saturn, and Neptune are made of gas, not paper-mâché as scientists previously believed, and if these planets do have solid surfaces underneath all that gas, we. don't. know. about it. (Nose bleed.)

"Cosmos" quickly became all-consuming, brain paralyzing obsession. In other words, I read the book.. and watched all 13 episodes of "Cosmos" all the way through TWICE, which is huge for me since I'm one of those assholes who's never seen The Godfather or Spaceballs.

On the subject of me being an asshole, this past winter I unironically referred to Earth as "a small, rocky planet" when talking to my boyfriends father's girlfriend. She gave me a look that said 'your new space obsession isn't fooling anyone". I like her a lot. Also, on my road trip from New York to LA with Sarah and Anna, at one point we were talking about how bright and annoying the sun was as we were driving into the sunset, and I said something to the effect of, "Well it could be worse, our sun is pretty average as far as stars go and at least we don't live in a binary star system." Sarah and Anna did not like me after that.

Cosmos is Carl Sagan's personal voyage through space. It's epic, beautiful, accessible, and easy to love. Growing up, I pretended to feel indifferent about science as a way to justify my bad grades, particularly when it came to chemistry, so I made this, a Periodic Table of Elephants, as a peace offering. I also wrote a 22-page nonfiction comedy pilot about one of Jupiter's moons, but I put it away when I decided it was shitty and unfixable.

"As the ancient myth makers knew we're children equally of the earth and the sky. In our tenure on this planet we've accumulated dangerous evolutionary baggage, propensities for aggression and ritual, submission to leaders, hostility to outsiders, all of which puts our survival in some doubt. But we've also acquired compassion for others, love for our children, a desire to learn from history and experience and a great soaring passionate intelligence, the clear tools for our continued survival and prosperity. " - Elton John

Finish this sketch for me, will you?

Mom: Kids, I have something to tell you. I was lying when I said your father died in 9-11. The truth is he's alive and has been living in the attic.

Son: The attic? But the invisible ghost who coughs like dad is up there.

A random assortment of thoughts from right now

-I got rejected from SNL this week. I trust that the universe has my best intentions in mind.

- I've been seeing a lot of amazing shows at UCB and I'm finding it really inspiring.

- I have a cold. The best part of having a cold is that it makes my voice sound like I'm a grown up.

- I blindly moved into a sublet in Burbank this past winter. The walls in the room were gross, so I covered them in tissue paper that resembled wallpaper. On January 28th, 3 weeks after arriving in LA, I found out I had been cast in both a pilot and a movie. I was struck with the most profound sense of gratitude and spontaneously wrote the words "Thank you" all over the tissue paper. It looked great.

-It feels like there are 20 cats in my apartment right now for some furry, adorable reason.

Here's a list of ways in which Sue is better than me.

- Being Vegetarian. When we were around 12 and 13, we decided to be vegetarians. Or more like, Sue decided and I went along with it. She's kept with it, but I got lazy and started eating meat again when I was 15 or so. The last time Sue ate meat, she was living abroad in Edinburgh, at a restaurant, and dying of starvation. In Scotland, often times restaurants will say they offer vegetarian options but what they really mean is they have chicken or fish, so Sue settled on scallops, because "They don't have central nervous systems." I think about this literally every time I eat scallops.

- Remembering birthdays. Sue and I share this ability, but she's better at it. Sue can tell you the birthdays of kids from summer camp, distant relatives, dead pets, dead presidents, living presidents. If you have a birthday, and you've told me, there's a 75% chance I'll remember it in 5 years. But if you tell Sue, there's a 99.9% chance that she'll remember it forever.

- Reading. Sue learned to read when she was like 3 days old or something ridiculous like that. I, on the other hand, didn't start reading until I was embarrassingly old. And then it took even longer for me to actually comprehend what I was reading. I'm dyslexic, and I had the hardest time wrapping my mind around written language. It's pretty complicated when you think about it - letters compose words, words contain meaning, and if you string enough words together (in a left to right pattern), you can express a complete thought. But the written letters in the word "cat" or "airplane" look nothing like ACTUAL cats or airplanes, so why do we all agree on the meaning? And what's the deal with lower case b's and d's? They're the exact same shape, just facing different directions. And why does this matter when there are tree forts to defend?

-Arguing. I have never, in my entire life, won an argument with my sister. I've never even come close. No one has ever won an argument with my sister. One time Sue made Judge Judy run to her bedroom, sobbing.

- History. I like history, but Sue is passionate about it. She talks about history the way most people talk about "Top Chef". It's awesome actually. I like it when people can talk passionately about things.

This is a picture of her on her wedding day. One day Sue will find this list and send me an email pointing out my grammatical errors.

Sam

Thanks for leaving quarters in your jeans! I used them to get an iced coffee and it was delish.

Yay!

nope

I have no explanation for why I made this or why I'm posting it.

the Carrolls

Mom took this photo. I was a confused baby.

Faking it

I played the clarinet when I was in 4th grade. I picked it because it was the cat part in "Peter and the Wolf", and as we all know, cats are great. However, I quickly learned that it was very hard. I also got grossed out by all the spit and saliva involved in woodwind instruments.

Even though I hated it and never practiced, I was still obligated to perform at the recital. My dad dropped me off, and as I was coming out of the car, I dropped my clarinet case. It was a hard shell case, designed to withstand 4th graders, so I didn't think anything of it. I went to the band room, put my clarinet together, blew into the reed, and heard nothing. That's when I noticed that the main body of my (rented) clarinet SPLIT IN HALF! I knew my dad would be pissed because all year long I'd been hearing about how expensive the damn thing was.

Anyway, I freaked out. I was about to perform in front of the whole school, and I was certain that my dad was going to kill me. I explained all this to my band teacher, this sad middle aged man. He shrugged and said, "Get up there and fake it."

So I did. I faked playing the song in front of everyone - parents, teachers, friends. At the end of the performance, my band teacher joined us on stage. He looked at me, smiled, then got on the microphone. "Oh shit," I thought, "He's gonna tell..."

And I was right! He said, "One of my students, Elaine Carroll, broke her clarinet so she was wasn't actually playing just then, she was pretending." The whole room burst out laughing. "She's worried her dad is gonna kill her."

I saw my dad laughing the hardest out of everybody. I started laughing too. I guess it was pretty funny.

I'm sure my dad wasn't thrilled about having to pay for my broken clarinet, but he never mentioned it. He was still laughing as we drove home.

There are 2 cats in my apartment right now, but I think there are 8 cats using the litter box.

My ankle is better. I saw my physical therapist today and he was very pleased with how I'm healing. Spending a month with my foot in a cast was no fun. Sometimes I wish I had a spent it more productively, but I mostly don't mind. Watching TV is fun too.

I'm going to LA in 2 weeks. I can't wait to see my car.

Built to Spill, you're killing it.

Old rocking chair is gonna get me

Dear internet,

I could use your help. I'd like to come up with a really interesting and hilarious idea. I'm not sure what it'll be for - web, stage - some kind of script thing. If it's an awesome idea, I'll follow it forever. If I'm not passionately in love with the concept, I'll write it for a few days, start hating it, put it aside for later, and it inevitably collects dust. On the other hand, I'll give myself the whole "That's what first drafts are for!" speech and forgive the shittiest of scripts if I'm in love with the core of the thing.

I also need to fixate on one project at a time. Focus = follow through.

Big ups to Etta James.

Mad Men

A few months ago, I filmed a small part on Mad Men, and the episode is airing tonight!

My dad asked me what my experience was like, and our conversation went something like this.

ME: It was awesome! I showed up, I said my lines, I went home!
DAD: That's it?
ME: Pretty much, yeah.
DAD: Acting is kind of stupid when you think about it.
ME: I know.

This is me on set. I'm wearing a wig.

This came in the mail the other day. I know I've been writing a lot about how strangely public and unnatural blogging feels, but the reason I'm sharing this note from my mom is because I want to keep it forever.

My mom always thought I'd be a good shrink. Maybe if this acting nonsense doesn't work out, I'll give it a try.

Radiohead

Sometimes I think I'm over Radiohead and then I listen to them and I'm like this is good, what on earth was I thinking?

I hate when my computer tells me things like "All Changes Will Be Lost"

Too dramatic, computer. Way too dramatic.

However, I sort of want to write a play with that title. I like it when plays have dramatic titles.

In 2007 I wrote a play called "Michael Jackson is Dead". It takes place in the future and is about his 3 kids, Prince, Paris and Blanket. At the time I thought it was really well written, but now when I reread it, I'm like bleh, way too dramatic, Elaine.

These are both pictures of me but the difference is that in one of them I am drunk.

6 years old, in the playroom in our old house in Ridgewood, NJ. I moved to Virginia when I was 7.

I don't know why I'm on such a baby picture kick, but here's another. I think I'm 2 in this one. It was taken in spring, and I remember smelling flowers in the backyard this same day.

My dad took this picture. I'm guessing I was 5 but my mom would know for sure. That's probably chocolate on my face but really it could be anything.

1. I used to rip up my sisters playing cards because I was jealous that she knew numbers and I didn't.
2. I taught myself to play the theme song to Masterpiece Theatre on the piano that we randomly had in our basement.
3. Once I poured a SERIOUS amount of water on the living room floor because I wanted to pretend I was ice skating.

My Night With the Prostitute from Marsielle

by Beirut

is fucking great song. I like it a lot. I want all songs to be this good if not better.

Also, I just had a really interesting conversation with my mother about medical marijuana.

Sometimes when I clap, I feel a splash

I have hiperhydrosis. It makes my hands sweat a lot.

It's a genetic abnormality that started at puberty, and like all genetic abnormalities that start at puberty, it rocks. Hiperhydrosis is caused by an over stimulation in the sympathetic nervous system. It's weird to me that hiperhydrosis isn't spelled "hyperhydrosis" but I guess that's too many Y's for some people. There's no cure for it, no pill you can take. I wonder why science has been so slow in curing my debilitating affliction, but I suppose it's because there's things like AIDS and cancer and nobody ever died from sweaty palms except if you count my childhood sense of self-worth.

I first noticed something was off about my hands when I was taking a test in cursive in 3rd grade. I worked so hard, carefully crafting each letter, and when I finished, I proudly handed it to Mrs. Regis who took it out of my hands with a look of shock and disgust. She asked, "Elaine, were you nervous?" That's when I noticed that my paper was completely drenched in sweat. From then on, I kept my hands to myself.

The only time I wasn't able to avoid hand to sweaty hand contact was during the Our Father in our school's monthly Mass. St. Mary's Catholic School in Richmond, Virginia, was one of those hippy dippy Catholic schools where kids hold hands during the Our Father and instead of an organist, there's a guitarist. One time after holding hands with Alexis Yokum (Yokem? Fuck it), she asked me why my hands were so wet. I told her it was because I dipped my whole hand into the bowl of holy water. She nodded and looked away trying to make sense of that, and I looked away trying to make sense of why this girl would believe such a blatant lie. God, kids are stupid.

Here's a list of ways that I got out of holding hands during the Our Father.

1. SWEATSHIRT STRATEGY : I'd pretend to be cold and would pull the sleeves of my sweatshirt down over my hands. Then I'd hold hands, making sweatshirt to hand contact with my classmates, pressing lightly, for fear that the sweat would start soaking through.

2. LINE ORDER STRATEGY : On our way from the classroom to the church, I'd try to be 1. the line leader, 2. in the exact middle of the line, or 3. at the end of the line. And I'd try to get my friend Rebekkah to stand next to me. What does this have to do with sweaty palms? Bare with me. A class of say 20 students takes up 2 full rows of church pews. The goal was to have Rebekkah on one side and NO ONE on the other. I knew that holding hands with Rebekkah, regardless of my sweat, was no big thing.

3. THE SNEEZE : I would pretend to sneeze right before the Our Father. I am extremely good at this. I bet if you saw me do a fake sneeze, you'd be like whoa, that sounded like a real sneeze. And sneezing into my hands, seconds before praying, gave me the unspoken social permission to excuse myself from handholding.

4. BATHROOM BREAK : This one is obvious.

Sometimes when I clap, I feel a splash. And sometimes, yes, you guessed it, that splash is refreshing.

iTunes

Today I cleared out some sound effects from my iTunes. Nobody, not even me, needs to hear 'cats meowing', 'cats purring', 'cats hissing', when I play songs from my library on shuffle.

I still don't fully understand why there's a need to make this information public. The only argument for blogging is that everyone's doing it.

Also here is a picture of my cat, Mr. Hammers. I'm attaching this picture because he's cute and because I want to figure out how to attach pictures. Here goes nothing.

Things that are great? These garlic knots. Thanks Carmine's on Graham!

Things that are not so great?

The intro song to The Sopranos. The lyrics are "Woke up this morning, got yourself a gun" over and over. Too long, you guys. Way too long.

Elaine : Oh, hey blog from 3 years ago.

Blog: Long time, no see.

Elaine: I know. I'm sorry. I'm pretty terrible about... things.

Blog: Uh huh.

Elaine: It's not personal.

Blog: Right.

Elaine: I'm back now. For good. I promise.

Blog: Don't make promises you can't keep.

(Enter Elaine's Tumblr.)

Tumblr: (to Elaine) The prodigal son returns.

Elaine: Wow, hi Tumblr. Didn't expect to see you here.

Tumblr: To what do we owe this honor, Ms. Carroll?

Elaine: Oh, I -

Tumblr: That was sarcasm.