Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Boy Bye

Hello. Elaine here. I'm back. I've come back.

Forgive me for my long silence. I've been away; learning, growing, healing.

I was learning; how to be away and how to come back. How to have a job and how not to have a job. How to ask for help and how to receive it.
I was growing; in strength, in determination, in focus, in faith.
I was healing; my mind, my body, my heart. There's more. There's so much more. But let's begin there.

For too long I've used the excuse that I'm no good at blogging/sharing/social media and all that. The truth is, and always is, that I was afraid. I was afraid to be vulnerable, to be too exposed, and I would be destroyed. This is an irrational fear that my ego downloaded into my brain ages ago. I'm happy to report I've upgraded the software. That fear glitch is gone. Boy bye.

I want to write about my dog.

I got a dog. He's an 8-week-old mutt. The rescue named him Finnegan. We call him Finn. He's perfect and knows absolutely nothing. He's a blank slate. Pure wild instinct. He's a hoot and, at 3 pounds, a big fucking hand full. He's in his crate with a chew toy filled with frozen applesauce and he's whimpering. He whimpers a lot. Even in his sleep. Clara, our dog trainer, says he's dreaming. I asked her what puppies dream about. She said, "Being ferocious tigers." Clara is good.

We're crate training Finn. This helps with potty training and separation anxiety. Even though it's unnatural for a dog to be alone, we're teaching him now, in his youth, that being alone is not a bad thing. We want him to believe that solitude, while unnatural to pack animals, is not fatal. It's just par for the course. The reality of being a dog today is that his pack is his people, and he can't be with his people 24/7.

So Finn is learning; how to be okay with just an applesauce-stuffed chew toy, how to hold his bladder and not soil his bed, how to surrender to the will of his master, and how whimpering about it doesn't help.

And I am learning; how to be present for someone else's whimpering, how not to rush in with the easy fix, how to respect his doghood and love him in a way that is constructive and not destructive. Finn is learning how to feel safe in solitude. I'm learning to feel safe in public. He's learning to work through his separation anxiety. I'm learning to work through my stage fright.

Monday, March 10, 2014

#tbt #1776

Oh my god, I look SO much like my great great great great great grandma in this picture, it's like we're twins.

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Baguette me not



from baguettemenots.tumblr.com/

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Saturday, January 26, 2013

merch schmerch

I said I was taking a break from VMK to focus creating merchandise. I wanted to try and sell t-shirts and mugs and DVDs and crazy straws and hoodies and all of that noise. I hired designers and created logos and came up with an iPhone app that allowed you to care for your own little MK tamagotchi. I had big dreams for all of it. And it was going very well until we reached out to the Olsen camp and they said stop or we'll sue. So we stopped and that was that. No crazy straws.

This was disappointing for me. I felt like I let people down. I walked around my apartment for a while feeling like an ass.

I thought about why I wanted to sell merch in the first place. One of the main reasons was because I felt like the success of the series just wasn't enough. You see I have this teensy leettle habit of equating my net worth with my self worth, and with that kind of thinking nothing is ever enough, not even a buh'jillion facebook likes. Then I remembered why I started working on the series in the first place. The answer is because I genuinely enjoy the work. So I got back to work.

We made season 4 and we started releasing episodes 2 weeks ago and I am very proud of it. This season is hilarious and weird and bigger and great and different and we're trying new things because why not try new things, right?

And even though I will never be a buh'jillionaire from selling VMK crazy straws, I still think I cashed in, big-time, because I get to work on something that I love with people that I love. If that's not cashing in, I don't know what is.

This blog post has been an exercise in vulnerability and honesty from resident non-perfect human person, Elaine Carroll. Okay, back to cat pics...

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Friday, January 18, 2013

you're welcome?

I didn't think I was going to even like this, but then I watched it and... I love it? I think this song is... my new anthem?