Sometimes when I clap, I feel a splash

I have hiperhydrosis. It makes my hands sweat a lot.

It's a genetic abnormality that started at puberty, and like all genetic abnormalities that start at puberty, it rocks. Hiperhydrosis is caused by an over stimulation in the sympathetic nervous system. It's weird to me that hiperhydrosis isn't spelled "hyperhydrosis" but I guess that's too many Y's for some people. There's no cure for it, no pill you can take. I wonder why science has been so slow in curing my debilitating affliction, but I suppose it's because there's things like AIDS and cancer and nobody ever died from sweaty palms except if you count my childhood sense of self-worth.

I first noticed something was off about my hands when I was taking a test in cursive in 3rd grade. I worked so hard, carefully crafting each letter, and when I finished, I proudly handed it to Mrs. Regis who took it out of my hands with a look of shock and disgust. She asked, "Elaine, were you nervous?" That's when I noticed that my paper was completely drenched in sweat. From then on, I kept my hands to myself.

The only time I wasn't able to avoid hand to sweaty hand contact was during the Our Father in our school's monthly Mass. St. Mary's Catholic School in Richmond, Virginia, was one of those hippy dippy Catholic schools where kids hold hands during the Our Father and instead of an organist, there's a guitarist. One time after holding hands with Alexis Yokum (Yokem? Fuck it), she asked me why my hands were so wet. I told her it was because I dipped my whole hand into the bowl of holy water. She nodded and looked away trying to make sense of that, and I looked away trying to make sense of why this girl would believe such a blatant lie. God, kids are stupid.

Here's a list of ways that I got out of holding hands during the Our Father.

1. SWEATSHIRT STRATEGY : I'd pretend to be cold and would pull the sleeves of my sweatshirt down over my hands. Then I'd hold hands, making sweatshirt to hand contact with my classmates, pressing lightly, for fear that the sweat would start soaking through.

2. LINE ORDER STRATEGY : On our way from the classroom to the church, I'd try to be 1. the line leader, 2. in the exact middle of the line, or 3. at the end of the line. And I'd try to get my friend Rebekkah to stand next to me. What does this have to do with sweaty palms? Bare with me. A class of say 20 students takes up 2 full rows of church pews. The goal was to have Rebekkah on one side and NO ONE on the other. I knew that holding hands with Rebekkah, regardless of my sweat, was no big thing.

3. THE SNEEZE : I would pretend to sneeze right before the Our Father. I am extremely good at this. I bet if you saw me do a fake sneeze, you'd be like whoa, that sounded like a real sneeze. And sneezing into my hands, seconds before praying, gave me the unspoken social permission to excuse myself from handholding.

4. BATHROOM BREAK : This one is obvious.

Sometimes when I clap, I feel a splash. And sometimes, yes, you guessed it, that splash is refreshing.