Before coming on board at Black20, I was a featured writer on CollegeHumor.com. I once posted an article called "Your Bartender's Inner Monologue" which generated a lot of heat.
http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1730737
I got my first piece of hate mail. Enjoy.
Subject: your bartender article
From: nate
wow your as dumb as you are ugly, and it shows why a stupid cunt like you can't get a drink at a bar. did some bartender fuck you because he was bored and then not call you back??? lol I'm sure that every bar you go to the bartenders make fun of you and then completely fuck you on alcohol in your cosmo or mojito because you and you're friends are the dumbest cunts there...oh yeah here is what's going on in your bartenders head:
10 ways to stay on a bartender's good side
1. Wait patiently. Don't snap, whistle, wave money, tap your glass on the bar or scream "Hey, bartender!" when he obviously knows you are there.
2. Always tip at least $1 per drink. If you tip really well you may find yourself receiving some free drinks. Tip for those, too.
3. Keep your hands out of the cocktail tray. If you want a cherry, ask. Putting your hands into the garnish contaminates everyone else's drink.
4. "Please" and "thank you" are common courtesies.
5. If there are two bartenders, never order your drink from both to see who makes it first. Few bartenders will let you "return" a drink.
6. Don't act drunk and over-animated. By law, bartenders are not supposed to serve you when you are thoroughly inebriated.
7. Don't walk into a bar right before last call and order complicated drinks. This may be the No. 1 pet peeve of bartenders.
8. Always know what is in a drink if it is an obscure one. The bartender may make it if you know the recipe.
9. Don't ask the bartender to "stiffen" your drink. It is rare that a bartender will under-pour the booze in your cocktail. If you want more, ask for a double.
10. If you can't be with the drink you love, baby, drink the one you're with. Try not to order one of the drinks bartenders hate to make when the bar is busy. Either go somewhere else, or be satisfied with something simpler.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Ahmadinejad Goes to DeVry!
A couple days ago, New York went nuts because the President of Iran stopped by Columbia and said crazy shit like "Iran doesn't have gay people" and "Owls have thumbs." I wrote an article for Black20 about a lesser known visit he made - a trip to DeVry!
For those of you who don't know, DeVry is an accredited "university" that advertises all over the place - commercials, billboards, subway cars, bathroom walls, etc. They seem to have over 9 million locations in New York City alone, and you can get your PhD in like 2 months. You don't even have to show up.
Anyway, here's how my article starts. You're welcome.
After making a controversial appearance at Columbia University and addressing the U.N. General Assembly, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad showed up at New York City's DeVry University. Fortunately for Black20, I was there to get a first hand look at this historic visit. I was also there because I'm trying to earn my Bachelors Degree in Network Systems Administration so I can get a better job to support my kids. It should take me 3 to 4 weeks.
Ahmadinejad and his entourage-ejad entered the university expecting fanfare, paparazzi, and a barrage of questions about his ethics. However the students and faculty at DeVry didn't quite recognize him. One of the teachers asked me if he was "the dude who plays Sayid on Lost", I said no, informed him of his identity, and in that time, earned my associates in Health Information Technology.
With the help of an Iranian translator, President Mahmoud Ahammasomething spoke to a small group about his practices of public executions, his denial of the holocaust, and his overall disrespect for humanity. At the end of the assembly, the audience booed and hissed. Not because of the President's remarks, but because they thought they were attending a seminar about Accounting and Financial Management.
For those of you who don't know, DeVry is an accredited "university" that advertises all over the place - commercials, billboards, subway cars, bathroom walls, etc. They seem to have over 9 million locations in New York City alone, and you can get your PhD in like 2 months. You don't even have to show up.
Anyway, here's how my article starts. You're welcome.
After making a controversial appearance at Columbia University and addressing the U.N. General Assembly, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad showed up at New York City's DeVry University. Fortunately for Black20, I was there to get a first hand look at this historic visit. I was also there because I'm trying to earn my Bachelors Degree in Network Systems Administration so I can get a better job to support my kids. It should take me 3 to 4 weeks.
Ahmadinejad and his entourage-ejad entered the university expecting fanfare, paparazzi, and a barrage of questions about his ethics. However the students and faculty at DeVry didn't quite recognize him. One of the teachers asked me if he was "the dude who plays Sayid on Lost", I said no, informed him of his identity, and in that time, earned my associates in Health Information Technology.
With the help of an Iranian translator, President Mahmoud Ahammasomething spoke to a small group about his practices of public executions, his denial of the holocaust, and his overall disrespect for humanity. At the end of the assembly, the audience booed and hissed. Not because of the President's remarks, but because they thought they were attending a seminar about Accounting and Financial Management.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Chat Room Lingo Confusing for Sexual Predator For Whom English is a Second Language
I write funny articles for Black20. This is one I'm particularly proud of...
Black20 is a company born and raised in Bushwick, Brooklyn. For those of you not familiar with the area, all you really need to know is the motto: "Bushwick - Where Predators Outnumber Pigeons!"
It's a delightful neighborhood. Broken glass, dime bags, horns blaring at 2 am, swimming pools filled with hypodermic needles, and a f*ckload of pigeons.
Also, nobody speaks English. Now call me a bleeding heart liberal, but I can't help but feel sympathy for my neighbors who need to consult their translation books before shouting, "Give me your purse."
Black20 was recently contacted by a local sexual predator named "Ricardo" who shared with us his frustration about the language barrier, stating, "How is guy like me supposed to get break with girl when I is not know what LOL and JK mean!?!"
We couldn't have said it better, Ricardo. We couldn't have said it better.
The following is an IM transcript between our friend Ricardo and a young girl he was trying to target…
CoolDudePeru: Hello friend!
Janie15f: & u r...?
CoolDudePeru: My name is Joey! I am just a normal teenager American! High school stinks, right?! Wow, I love TV!
Janie15f: umm....
Janie15f: wtf...
CoolDudePeru: Math class is bad, no?! Wow! High fives and juicy fruit!
Janie15f: r u jk?
CoolDudePeru: Huh? No I am Joey! I want to be your cool friend! I have a pool for swim and a video game!
Janie15f: ...
Janie15f: }:|
Janie15f: IDK hoo u r so stop iming me.
CoolDudePeru: I no understand what you mean. But I like to cyber! Hey, so lets talk about cool stuff!
Janie15f: Leeve me alone, u freeek...
CoolDudePeru: Hey! Television! Double Dare! Wow! High fives, no? Right!
Janie15f: OMG!
CoolDudePeru: Dogs and Cats it is raining like, no?! We make cyber love, no!?
Janie15f: ok...
Janie15f: hoo is this? r u pranking me?
Janie15f: wtf?.....
CoolDudePeru: No, friend! I am not wtf, my name is Joey! I am just normal teenager American! I like rocket ships and pizza pies! Tell me about your sex?
Janie15f: lmfao, nice joke, w/e this is...
Janie15f: i'm blocking u...
CoolDudePeru: No! I is come over your house! Please!
Janie15f: l8r weirdo.
Black20 is a company born and raised in Bushwick, Brooklyn. For those of you not familiar with the area, all you really need to know is the motto: "Bushwick - Where Predators Outnumber Pigeons!"
It's a delightful neighborhood. Broken glass, dime bags, horns blaring at 2 am, swimming pools filled with hypodermic needles, and a f*ckload of pigeons.
Also, nobody speaks English. Now call me a bleeding heart liberal, but I can't help but feel sympathy for my neighbors who need to consult their translation books before shouting, "Give me your purse."
Black20 was recently contacted by a local sexual predator named "Ricardo" who shared with us his frustration about the language barrier, stating, "How is guy like me supposed to get break with girl when I is not know what LOL and JK mean!?!"
We couldn't have said it better, Ricardo. We couldn't have said it better.
The following is an IM transcript between our friend Ricardo and a young girl he was trying to target…
CoolDudePeru: Hello friend!
Janie15f: & u r...?
CoolDudePeru: My name is Joey! I am just a normal teenager American! High school stinks, right?! Wow, I love TV!
Janie15f: umm....
Janie15f: wtf...
CoolDudePeru: Math class is bad, no?! Wow! High fives and juicy fruit!
Janie15f: r u jk?
CoolDudePeru: Huh? No I am Joey! I want to be your cool friend! I have a pool for swim and a video game!
Janie15f: ...
Janie15f: }:|
Janie15f: IDK hoo u r so stop iming me.
CoolDudePeru: I no understand what you mean. But I like to cyber! Hey, so lets talk about cool stuff!
Janie15f: Leeve me alone, u freeek...
CoolDudePeru: Hey! Television! Double Dare! Wow! High fives, no? Right!
Janie15f: OMG!
CoolDudePeru: Dogs and Cats it is raining like, no?! We make cyber love, no!?
Janie15f: ok...
Janie15f: hoo is this? r u pranking me?
Janie15f: wtf?.....
CoolDudePeru: No, friend! I am not wtf, my name is Joey! I am just normal teenager American! I like rocket ships and pizza pies! Tell me about your sex?
Janie15f: lmfao, nice joke, w/e this is...
Janie15f: i'm blocking u...
CoolDudePeru: No! I is come over your house! Please!
Janie15f: l8r weirdo.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Matthew Perry/ Jason Priestly
I saw an ad on the subway the other day for Jason Priestly's new show "Side Order of Life", and I couldn't help but notice how much Jason Priestly looks like Matthew Perry. If they were enemies, then these would be the emails they'd send each other...
Hmm, your use of elipses moves me... I will gain weight... on one condition....
What, what is it? I'll do anything. Name your price.
Feed me.
Feed you? What are you talking about?!
I think you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. This is how shit gets done in this town. You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours... and it's no secret that I love the tastes of human flesh. Give me your child and I'll give you your career.
Matthew, I'm not sure I can... I mean, Naomi really loves our child.
Quid Pro Quo, Clarise.
(Sign.) Very well.
Matthew,
I don't like you and you don't like me so I'll make this short. Stop looking like me! Stop it! I know you're doing it on purpose, and it's fucking pissing me off. Why don't you do the world a favor and get a new look. I hear Steve Buscemi wants a dobbleganger.
Go fuck yourself,
Luke
Dear Crapson Priestly,
Wow, Jason, wow... I would just like to point out that you and I haven't spoken since you "accidentally" spilled artichoke dip on my sports jacket at Jennie Garth's 43rd birthday party, so if this is your idea of how to break the ice, then you are a fucking lunatic moron.
I will NOT get another look. I will NOT change my image because some washed up mambo (that's male bimbo, FYI) gets pissy cause every time he gets stopped for an autograph people think he's me.
Oh, and PS. Side Order of Life? Might I recommend a side order of Acting School.
My best to Naomi,
Matthew
Matthew...
Cold. Real cold... But I should have expected that from the man who is the human incarnation of all that is unholy. Look... I'm not asking you to give up acting... I'm just asking you to look a little different than me. Why not put your "Friends" weight back on??
Luke
I don't like you and you don't like me so I'll make this short. Stop looking like me! Stop it! I know you're doing it on purpose, and it's fucking pissing me off. Why don't you do the world a favor and get a new look. I hear Steve Buscemi wants a dobbleganger.
Go fuck yourself,
Luke
Dear Crapson Priestly,
Wow, Jason, wow... I would just like to point out that you and I haven't spoken since you "accidentally" spilled artichoke dip on my sports jacket at Jennie Garth's 43rd birthday party, so if this is your idea of how to break the ice, then you are a fucking lunatic moron.
I will NOT get another look. I will NOT change my image because some washed up mambo (that's male bimbo, FYI) gets pissy cause every time he gets stopped for an autograph people think he's me.
Oh, and PS. Side Order of Life? Might I recommend a side order of Acting School.
My best to Naomi,
Matthew
Matthew...
Cold. Real cold... But I should have expected that from the man who is the human incarnation of all that is unholy. Look... I'm not asking you to give up acting... I'm just asking you to look a little different than me. Why not put your "Friends" weight back on??
Luke
What, what is it? I'll do anything. Name your price.
Feed me.
Feed you? What are you talking about?!
I think you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. This is how shit gets done in this town. You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours... and it's no secret that I love the tastes of human flesh. Give me your child and I'll give you your career.
Matthew, I'm not sure I can... I mean, Naomi really loves our child.
Quid Pro Quo, Clarise.
(Sign.) Very well.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
My First Time
I thought I'd jump on the wagon and start a blog. Better late than never. Leave a comment, say hello. I'm happy to hear from you.
I grew up in Richmond, Virginia, and now live in a lovely apartment in Brooklyn with my boyfriend, Sam. Sam and I have a backyard. I grow roses, I grow lavender, and I tried to grow vegetables, but it didn't work out.
I got my BFA in Acting from Marymount Manhattan College and graduated Magna Cum Laude (which is Latin for something) in 2006.
I've been acting since I was a kid. I'm a member of SAG, AFTRA, and AEA. I study improv and sketch comedy at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre. I write and produce sketch comedy with my group Dutch West. I make web content with Black 20. And lastly, I've been getting into online poker. I'm terrible at it.
Seriously. I suck at Texas Hold 'em. Any advice?
I grew up in Richmond, Virginia, and now live in a lovely apartment in Brooklyn with my boyfriend, Sam. Sam and I have a backyard. I grow roses, I grow lavender, and I tried to grow vegetables, but it didn't work out.
I got my BFA in Acting from Marymount Manhattan College and graduated Magna Cum Laude (which is Latin for something) in 2006.
I've been acting since I was a kid. I'm a member of SAG, AFTRA, and AEA. I study improv and sketch comedy at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre. I write and produce sketch comedy with my group Dutch West. I make web content with Black 20. And lastly, I've been getting into online poker. I'm terrible at it.
Seriously. I suck at Texas Hold 'em. Any advice?
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