2003

Sam and Jordan, two amazing people.

Back to LA

I don't like that I paid $7.99 to get online at the airport. Especially since I can go online on my phone. It makes me feel like a chump. One day, there will be an uprising. Free the Internet.

Dear magazines of the world. More cats on the front cover please. I still probably won't buy your magazine, but I'll definitely take a picture of it. Cats do not photograph well. Has anyone ever made this observation? Nope, I'm first.

The Delta terminal at JFK is home to lots of sparrows. If I was a bird, I'd like to live here.

On the plane. There is a screaming child behind me and a smug 9-year-old next to me with a gigantic leather purse and an iPad. She's playing Veggie Samurai and it's like she's not even trying. Silent misdirected rage!

We're going back to the gate so a sick passenger can 'De-plane". So far 4 people have gotten on the PA and said the word "deplane". Everybody needs to stop saying deplane. Just say "get off the plane". Holy shit. The next person who gets on the PA and says deplane gets an eye roll.

Someone bring me a soda and a tall stack of cat magazines.

After a couple drinks, Sue and I busted out the VMK wigs

Growing up, people used to ask if we were fraternal twins. This happened a lot. Once in a shoe store, once in a pewter shop. I don't know why I was ever annoyed by it. We're only 14 months apart.

Thanksgiving was very great. We decided that our turkey was named Jorge (pronounced George).

Jorge was an organic, free-range, grass fed turkey from a happy turkey farm in Virginia. My dad said "Jorge had only one bad day in his life." My dad says this about our organic free-range grass fed turkey every year and I enjoy it.

Things my dad called fascist today:
-The Nintendo Wii
-The pins that remain standing in Wii bowling
-The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade (he has a point there.)

My friend Michael's status update.

"Considering where we've come from, the challenges we've faced, and the relatively brief amount of time we've been at it, I'd say we're all doing a fairly splendid job at this point."

Thanks Michael.

alphabet humor

Did you ever notice how P is the bridge between O and Q? This is true of other letters, none of which come to mind.

Dear letter Q. I'm sorry you're so different. At least you'll never be alone.

Can we all at least agree that I do a pretty okay pigeon sound effect? From now on, my pigeon sound effect will be written as "Flt, flt, flt."

There's nothing special about Special K, except for those rare flakes that happen to be shaped like the letter K. I keep those flakes in a separate bot. I call that box "Special K Flakes".

4 jokes

These are the greatest jokes that have ever been written.

1. And why are all the zombies in suits? Presumably you just become a zombie wearing whatever you die in. Did all these people really die in their Sunday best? You're asking me to suspend my disbelief too much, AMC.

2. They figured out why bees are dying. They're killing themselves. The bees are learning that they're never gonna be A's, and it's driving them to suicide because that pun is so bad.

3. Spending an hour on Facebook makes me feel like I just spent an hour riding a carousel by myself.

4. The world is running out of exclamation points. The generation born after 1982 is using them all up. This is a big problem, people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will get better at writing great jokes.

Damn, "How To Train Your Dragon", you straight up made me cry. Holy shit. I wasn't even expecting to like you, and now this?

Anyway, I'm writing a song. It starts...

I've got chills. They're multiplying.
I've got pills. They're multivitamins.

BOOM!

Is there no end to my brilliance?

(There are no other lyrics to this song so yes, my brilliance ends.)

Facebook

A lot of strangers write on my wall these days. Today I was tempted to write "Who dis" under every single post from a person I didn't know, but I couldn't decide if that was rude or funny or both so I just said fuck it and I went out and did a bunch of things.

I watched "Lolita" for the first time last night. I was not expecting it to be as funny as it was. I laughed out loud when they were at that hotel, and Humbert and the Bell Hop guy tried to set up the extra bed without waking Lolita. They can't get the cot to stay open, it keeps snapping shut, Venus fly trap-style, resulting in a lot of slapsticky things. And it goes on for such a long time! My god! Two grown men doing summersaults on a cot in a dark hotel room. In silence. For like 3 or 4 minutes. Then when Humbert finally gets it flat by laying on it, the legs collapse.

So satisfying.

Thanks Lumi

Somebody interviewed me about Very Mary-Kate. It starts out, "Lumi found out that the verymarykate girl’s real name is: Elaine Carroll! Lumi also found out that she’s famous AND a for-real actress and loves space." Am I famous? No. Am I a for-real actress? I don't know what that is.

I do love space. I know that much for sure.

Election Day. C'mon prop 19.