The Pitch for Every James Bond Movie Ever Made... Ever!

I don't get the whole James Bond thing. Not too long ago I tried watching "Casino Royale" with a friend, and he spent half the time trying to explain what was going on. He may as well have been explaining the inner workings of subatomic particles to a doorknob. I just don't get it, and more importantly, I don't care to.

So when I'm a movie exec, don't pitch me any more James Bond films. This is how I picture the pitch for every James Bond movie ever made ever.

"Okay, so James Bond gets a lead that an evil international doctor terrorist with a beautiful, sexy wife is plotting to crash the stock market, start an evil international terror organization via a rigged poker game, rendezvous with a North Korean army officer, blow up millions of innocent people, and Bond has to stop him, but first he has to go to Uganda where he must spy on an evil international terrorist and get in a knife battle with him and three of his co-terrorists. The fight lasts 5 or 6 minutes, the terrorists die, and Bond gets a sexy scar on his forehead. A beautiful nurse with an indistinguishable accent stitches him up and then has sex with him. It turns out that she is the sexy but evil wife of a Columbian terrorist, and he and Bond get in a shoot out, but Bond kills him and jumps from an exploding building before it explodes. He jumps onto a boat that takes him to the Bahamas where he encounters the beautiful international wife of an evil terrorist army officer, gets important information from her about a terrorist drug lord in South Africa, has sex with her which is interrupted by lots of bad guys with guns. Luckily Bond kills them all, jumps out of a window, lands safely, and gets another sexy scar on his forehead. In the middle of the gun fight that ensues, Bond learns that the same evil doctor from before is involved with a scheme to detonate two atomic bombs, so Bond has sex with his beautiful cello-playing wife, but then Secret Service intelligence reveals that an evil terrorist lawyer from an obscure international country, is planning to capture a beautiful, sexy, famous African-American actress who is assigned to be Bond's partner because 'M' is displeased with him. So anyway, and he continues to follow the trail, has a shoot out with the husband of the beautiful, evil woman he had sex with from before using an astonishing number of guns, after which he has a drink and follows a lead that takes him to the South Pole where he's betray and captured for 14 months, but free for someone named "M2 Code" who was captured by MI6, R33, or G83. Meanwhile, a beautiful. sexy, international secret agent is posing as a friend of the mysterious captured man so they have sex after she discloses a lot of information about him. Then Bond goes to Indonesia to attend a presentation held by her father about a satellite found in outer space which can project a huge laser beam to Mars which is being held by a terrorist organization lead by an evil but sexy international man who has a sexy and not so evil wife who Bond has sex with. However it turns out that the secret service army officer from before is crazy and Bond must stop him with his partner, the beautiful African-American agent, played by a beautiful, sexy, not-evil African-American actress. Anyway, they get drunk and have sex whilst Bond gets captured by a drug lord in the French Guiana but escapes because the beautiful but evil international wife from 4 wives ago had a change of heart so Bond shoots a bunch of people, jumps out of an exploding building onto another exploding building but jumps to safety before it explodes, gets a sexy scar on his forehead, has sex with someone's wife, and seizes the two atomic warheads before they detonate. He then has a drink, changes into a really expensive suit, and gets another call from 'M'."